Living in the Present

July has arrived with storms and wild wet weather.  The heater is on and last year's tattered umbrella replaced with a better one.  It's been four months since Merv went into a care facility.  It seems like a long time.  We've had all sorts of scenarios to deal with and sort out.  I asked him today if he is happy and he replied he is.  It is a relief to hear.

We all grieve.  Whether we lose our job, a long term relationship, loss of youth, loss of mobility, loss of things we don't consider worthy of grief.

I've known for eight years I have grieved for the loss of Merv;
The loss of sharing a relationship
The loss of running a house
The loss of contributing to the family income
The loss of holidaying to far off places together
The loss of intimacy
The loss of personal freedom to explore and enjoy the local community

The list goes on.  I look back and think of all the things we did do in the last eight years.  Many things we did together but many things we didn't whether we couldn't or just because it was just too darn hard.

After Merv went into care I was physically and emotionally tired.  I find myself like that now.  I wonder if the dreary grey days of winter has also caused this reaction in me.

I know to watch a movie which makes me chuckle or a chat with a friend lets the laughter flow.  It helps me not for the past or the future but for the here and now.