In the last few months I have been keeping my head firmly in the sand. Little changes happen and go unnoticed and then suddenly the realisation happens too late.
Merv has struggled with dysphagia since last June. It began with choking on plain old water, but he did it well. After several frightening choking episodes, we used a cup which delivered a controlled amount of fluids before trading the cup for, 'safe straws.' They are big and chunky and need a decent size cup to hide the cylinder which houses the controlled amount of fluid.
The good thing is that they work. He may cough and splutter at times but the spine chilling gasping for breath is no longer part of our day or week. I am very grateful.
Yesterday he choked on his rissole. My heart sank as I grabbed his knife and fork from his hands, stood behind him and used the flat of my hand to whack him between the shoulder blades. It worked. I heard the food dislodge in his throat. I was talking slowly and reassuring as I removed his plate with the half eaten rissole dinner and replaced it with a bowl of vanilla ice cream.
There it was. All those memories of Merv tucking into steak dinners, lamb cutlets and ribs come back to tease me. He will never tuck into such delights again. Long ago we gave up buying his much loved liquorice allsorts, peanuts and Rocky Road. Custard, ice cream and cheesecake are now Merv’s regular desserts. I smile; for cheesecake is one of his favourite desserts and it’s still on the menu!
I email his speech pathologist and she suggests all of his food is cut into small pieces and he uses a teaspoon. She is young and this is her job, but does she really understand?
I think of the steak and the hundreds of times we have enjoyed a meal out. Eating out with a spoon, pretending you are enjoying mish-mashed food, it's just not the same.
Never to be beaten I analyse the situation and think of the many dishes he will enjoy. At the day centre they no longer allow him to have fish and chips. Today it was lasagne. Nice and soft and easy to eat. A great choice, I can work with that. Thick soups, sloppy mince and mountains of casserole recipes. He struggled recently with stir fry and he doesn't like curry very much.
I'll take my time and wade through the recipes which overflow in my bookcase. I know it won’t last long. Soon it will mean everything mashed and blended. In the meantime I'll make lasagne, thick soup and buy more custard.
On the positive side Merv is still mentally active and is aware of everything in his day. At times while I am running around in a fog, he will surprise me by gently reminding me of something! I am reassured not all is lost.
