Teary

The young US swimmer who won Gold in the relay with Mark Phelps doubled up with emotion immediately after their swim.  He cried openly.  He was overwhelmed with his team's win.  His elation was heart wrenching. 
I cried with him.  Lately I cry at anything and everything.  I cry when others cry whether they're happy or sad.  I just have tears running down my cheeks, a lump in my throat stifling the sobs.
My counsellor said to me today that's quite normal. 
I don't want to be normal anymore, I just want to be happy.   I'm usually pretty good at being happy but lately happiness is evading me.  I've started looking for it.  Surely that is a good sign?
My counsellor asked me what causes me to cry over Damien.  It isn't like we had a mummy/son relationship, at least not until the last weeks of his life.
I explained that I cry because I couldn't help Damien anymore in the last few weeks of his life.  He was beyond my help.  I'm the type of person to explore and initiate practical things with a twist of celebration.
Like an early birthday celebration or a visit to a favourite movie.  A picnic or family get together, Places and times where memories are made.
But it was way too late.  His health dictated what he could do which was far too little.  If only we knew how quickly he would go.  We thought there was time but his last weeks were within a hospital room.  No one knew, not us, not his oncologist, neither his family or even himself.
Was it the shock of his sudden death?  Or because he was only 35?
It was all of this together which pulls at my heart strings and brings great waves of sadness. 
It is what we go through when a person we know dies. 
What if? 
What if I did something different or why doesn't it seem enough?
It almost seems as if we did nothing at all.

Damien & Mel last year for her birthday